What Is Biblical Marriage? New Albany Church Explores Ephesians 5

From the sermon preached on November 11, 2026

Biblical marriage, at its core, is not a power structure with one person at the top and one at the bottom. When Staff Pastor Tess Brunmeier walked our Vineyard Fam through Ephesians 5, she made one thing clear: the vision Scripture actually paints for marriage looks a whole lot more like a team than a hierarchy. If you have ever wondered whether the Bible really teaches that husbands are supposed to be in charge of everything, this one is worth sitting with.

Here is something that might surprise you. That famous passage in Ephesians 5 about wives and husbands? It was written directly into a specific cultural format called "household codes." Pastor Tess explained that in the Roman world of Paul's day, every household operated according to a code of behavior, listing how husbands, wives, children, and slaves were each supposed to act. These codes were deeply shaped by the Greek philosopher Aristotle, who lived roughly 300 years before Jesus was born and taught that women were naturally inferior to men, that children were too immature to govern themselves, and that slaves were simply born to serve.

That is the world Paul was writing into. So when he sat down to write to the church in Ephesus, he did not create those household categories out of thin air. He was speaking the cultural language his audience already knew, and then he started flipping it upside down in ways that would have genuinely shocked his first listeners.

One of the most striking examples Pastor Tess pointed out is that Paul opened the household code section by addressing the wives first. In that culture, that was considered disrespectful to men, because household codes always started with the men. Paul was honoring women by addressing them first. He was already doing something subversive before he even got to the main content.

Understanding Christian marriage roles means understanding that Paul was not simply reinforcing the culture around him. He was working within it to redirect it toward something far more radical, something rooted in the mutual love and self-giving of Jesus. Take a few minutes this week to read Ephesians 5:21 through 6:9 in one sitting, as one continuous letter, and notice how the whole section hangs together as a single unit. If you are curious about who we are and what we believe about Scripture, explore it here.

This is where things get really interesting, and honestly, really freeing. Pastor Tess pointed out something that often gets skipped over in conversations about this passage. Ephesians 5:21 reads, "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." That verse comes before the verse about wives. The word "submit" actually appears in verse 21, not in verse 22. In the original Greek, verse 22 flows directly out of verse 21, borrowing the verb from the sentence before it.

In other words, mutual submission is the foundation of the whole section. Everyone submits to everyone. That is the starting point. Pastor Tess put it plainly: Paul was not lecturing wives on how to submit. He was using the way wives already lived in that culture as a picture of how all believers should relate to one another, with deference, with care, with genuine regard for the other person.

Then Paul turns to the husbands, and what he says to them is just as countercultural, maybe even more so. He does not tell husbands to lead with authority. He tells them to love their wives the way Christ loved the church, which meant giving up everything, including his life. Husbands in the Roman world did not have to love their wives. Wives were essentially property. So when Paul told husbands to love their wives sacrificially, to nourish and care for them as they would their own bodies, he was introducing something genuinely new.

Pastor Tess and her husband Dan have been married for 43 years. She described how early in their marriage they tried the hierarchy model, with Dan as the formal head of the household making the final calls. But she said they were not actually living that way. They were discussing everything together, working as a team, using each other's gifts. The formal structure did not match the reality of how they loved each other well. The honest, practical step here is to have one open conversation with your spouse this week about one area of your shared life where you could serve each other better. Come find a community that will walk alongside you in that; connect here.

Pastor Tess made a point that is hard to argue with: the fruit tells you something. Research on marriages where one spouse holds all authority and the other is expected to defer in everything shows a 71% divorce rate. That is not a small number. And in Pastor Tess's 26 years of doing marriage counseling, she said that nearly every abuse situation she has encountered has had a theology of unilateral submission sitting at the center of it. The husband demanding submission, the wife being told that speaking up is disrespectful, the communication breaking down entirely.

That is not what Paul was describing. It is not what Jesus modeled. Jesus, who had every reason to hold authority over everyone, washed his disciples' feet. He came not to be served but to serve. And he calls husbands to that same posture toward their wives.
Pastor Tess shared a moment from a counseling session that stuck with her. A husband came in and said, "If she would just submit, our marriage would be perfect." Pastor Tess looked at him and asked simply, "How is that working for you?" He admitted it was not. And that opened the door to trying something different: the team approach.

The team approach is not about erasing differences or pretending everyone is the same. It is about recognizing that God gives gifts to both husbands and wives, and that a healthy marriage puts those gifts to work for each other and for the world. Pastor Tess described how Dan loves to fix things and serve practically, and she loves to plan and teach. Neither gift is more important. Both are needed. The practical step you can take today is to sit down with your spouse and name one gift the other person has that you genuinely appreciate and do not say out loud often enough. Tell them. That is the team approach in action.

It helps to put the two frameworks side by side. Here is what Pastor Tess laid out from the sermon, drawing the contrast between the Aristotelian household code model and what Paul was actually introducing:

Roman Household Code Model
Husband holds all authority and honor
Wife is property of the husband
Wives submit because they are inferior
Husband rules over wife's body and choices
Slaves are born inferior by nature
Marriage is a social contract for producing heirs

Paul's Reframing in Ephesians 5
All believers submit to one another
Husband is called to love and sacrifice for his wife
Wives are addressed first, honored by Paul
Both husband and wife have equal claim on each other
Slaves and masters share the same God and equal standing
Marriage is a picture of Christ's love for the church

Ephesians 5:21 sets the whole framework: "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." That single verse reorients everything that follows. The goal was never control. The goal was always Christlike love.

There is a quiet ache that a lot of couples carry around, the feeling that their marriage is not quite what they hoped it would be, but they are not sure if they are allowed to want something different. Whether you are in New Albany or Sellersburg, Jeffersonville or somewhere else across Floyd County and Clark County, you do not have to figure this out in isolation. There are real people in Southern Indiana asking the same questions about biblical marriage, about what it means to love well, to serve each other, to build something that actually lasts. Vineyard Church Southern Indiana is a community where those questions are welcome, where Scripture is taken seriously and explored with honesty, and where nobody is going to hand you a rigid formula and tell you to make it fit.

The most freeing thing about this sermon is also the most simple: you are both on the same team. Paul's vision for biblical marriage was never about one person having authority over another. It was about two people, both seeking Jesus, both moving toward God, and finding that the closer they each get to him, the closer they get to each other. As Pastor Tess put it, we have a whole world to reach for Jesus, and we need everybody working full force to do it, men and women together, husbands and wives as partners.

If this conversation stirred something in you and you want to keep exploring, we would love to have you join us on a Sunday morning. Plan your visit here and come see what our Vineyard Fam is all about. If you would rather start with a one-on-one conversation over coffee, we would love that too; take the next step here and set up a time with one of our pastors.

A: Based on a careful reading of Ephesians 5 in its historical context, biblical marriage is best understood as a mutual partnership rooted in Christlike love and service. Paul's instruction in Ephesians 5:21 calls all believers to submit to one another, and the verses that follow describe a husband who loves sacrificially and a wife who is honored and cared for. The hierarchy model largely reflects the Roman cultural framework Paul was writing into, not the new reality he was describing.

A: The Bible describes marriage roles in terms of love, service, and mutual care rather than rigid authority structures. Husbands are called to love their wives the way Christ loved the church, which meant giving up power, not wielding it. Wives are called to respect their husbands in a context where respect was a matter of survival in Roman culture. Together, both spouses are called to love one another as fellow believers and to use their God-given gifts to bless each other and their household.

A: Mutual submission in marriage means both spouses actively choosing to put the other person's needs, dignity, and flourishing ahead of their own desire for control or comfort. It flows from Ephesians 5:21, which calls all Christians to be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. In a marriage, this looks like open communication, shared decision-making, and a genuine willingness to serve your spouse the way Jesus served his disciples. 

A: Recognizing that Ephesians 5:21 through 6:9 is a household code written into a specific Roman cultural moment helps readers see that Paul was not creating a timeless blueprint for male authority. He was working within a familiar cultural structure and redirecting it toward something radically new, mutual love, equal dignity, and sacrificial service. The same section that addresses wives also addresses husbands, children, and slaves, and most Christians today do not apply the slavery instructions literally, which raises important questions about how we apply the other portions. 

A: A complementarian view holds that husbands and wives have distinct, hierarchical roles in marriage, with the husband as the final authority. An egalitarian view holds that husbands and wives are equal partners who make decisions together based on their individual gifts and circumstances. Tess Brunmeier's sermon argues that even many self-described complementarian couples actually live like egalitarians in practice, and that the team approach more closely reflects Paul's actual vision in Ephesians 5 and the broader New Testament call to mutual love and submission.